once you stop fantasizing about that ideal version of yourself and start working towards becoming that person by setting your alarm clock earlier and actually going to the gym and actually volunteering at places and actually eating healthier and not procrastinating and working just a little bit harder you’ll realize that it was so easy all along. becoming your ideal self will only ever exist in your mind until you make the decision to work towards becoming that person. get up!! get going!! it’s now or never!! there is no light at the end of the tunnel!! get that flashlight and pave your own path bitch bc no one else is going to do it for u!!
“I don’t think people understand how stressful it is to explain what’s going on in your head when you don’t even understand it yourself.”— Sara Quin
It’s a quiet cold morning. I lay in bed, snuggled up in the old doona he refuses to throw out and the new doona I bought for us in time for winter. The queen size bed feels especially empty this morning. I open up my encrusted eyes and roll over to his side. I take a deep breath through my nose. His side is better, partially because that’s where we both lay at night, me with my head on his chest feeling the warmth of his smooth skin. I close my eyes again as I take in his smell and I know that I am home. My chest feels tight and my stomach hollow as I feel the residual anxiety that haunts me every morning. I tell myself that today will be better, that the intrusive thoughts that used to drain me each day are gone but I can’t help but feel them gurgling away in my stomach. I another deep breath in as I slide out of bed. Today will be better, it has to be. I reach for my hoodie and track pants and walk over to the couch. Our couch. I roll myself a cigarette and struggle again to twist the key and open the old, rigid balcony door. Immediately I am met with the intense coldness of the outside world as my breath forms a fog and my feet hit the hard concrete of the balcony floor sending shivers up my spine. I sit on his chair and slide my chair over to rest my feet. I admire the city skyline and immediately feel small and insignificant. I can’t help but peek over at the cacti we’ve left outside to face the winter rains, all of them shrivelled up and dying. I take another deep breath in, bring my cigarette to my lips and light it. As I breathe in the intense, harsh smoke of the red tobacco I feel the gurgling in my stomach settle. I tell myself again that today is going to be okay, a part of me even believes it. I start planning out my day and remember I get to see him again this morning. Knowing that he’ll be behind the counter to serve me and make me a hot cup of coffee brings me an overwhelming sense of relief. I miss his eyes already, so reassuring that I know as soon as they are met with mine I’ll be ready to brave the day ahead.
Hi friends/ followers. I’d like to introduce myself. I am a 20 year old female who has recently been diagnosed with OCD, a condition that I have suffered undiagnosed for most of my life. I am starting to use this blog again for personal reasons, to express my own struggles and my journey to acceptance of this chronic illness. It is difficult to accept that this is something that I will suffer for the rest of my life. When I was in my mid teens I’d always hoped that the anxiety and depression I experienced was just a phase, hopefully a side effect of adolescence and the hormones running through my body. Now 5 years later with many highs and lows I am learning how to manage my OCD through a combination of medication, therapy and self care. I am hoping that this blog will serve as an outlet for my thoughts and creativity. I hope that by sharing my own personal experience that it might benefit others. Just know that you are not alone and as cliche as it might sound, things can and will get better over time.